There are many prejudices associated with the concept of social success. You do not need to be overly sociable, constantly entertaining everyone, cracking jokes, incredibly charismatic, or being the life of the party. It is important to learn: 1. To listen actively and with curiosity 2. To get rid of unpleasant qualities so that people enjoy your company SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE -- The ability to communicate and build relationships you desire with other people. LIMITS -- One's capabilities are finite, in the realm of socialization as well. The number of stable relationships that an average individual can maintain -- determined by the Dunbar's number: * 1350: upper limit of social relationships * 450: number of acquaintances * 150: stable social relationships * 50: friendships * 15-20: close friends to whom you can turn for sympathy and support * 3-7: people who have the greatest influence on our personality MOTIVATION -- Determined by the density and sensitivity of dopamine receptors. A lifestyle that avoids "fast dopamine" can have a long-term positive impact on motivation and satisfaction in social situations: - Sugar - Coffee - Light drugs - Alcohol - Processed foods WHAT ATTRACTS PEOPLE COMPETENCE -- Evokes respect. People tend to believe that competence in one area extends to others. Those deemed competent are often forgiven for demonstrating its absence. + Show skills without boasting + Speak confidently: clearly, at a normal pace, putting words firmly and decisively + Demonstrate balance, energy, self-control, modesty, and humility in moderate amounts WARMTH or KINDNESS -- Evokes sympathy. Individual acts of kindness are rarely generalized into an opinion, but the unkind ones will not be forgotten and are considered to be a true reflection of a person's character. + Smile sincerely + Maintain eye contact + Show emotional understanding of those around and the environment + Demonstrate empathy and listening + Be fair, honest, and kind PSYCHOLOGICAL PERCEPTION Largely subjective. Principles and patterns. RECIPROCITY -- If someone feels positive emotions towards you, you are likely to respond the same. It works the other way around, too. * Opinions about a person may be formed from indirect opinions. Someone hears "positive gossip" about themselves from you, and develops a warmer attitude towards you as the result. * Direct compliments -- showing a neutral-to-positive dynamics; creates an impression that the person has won you over, therefore, they would like you even more. = Positive comments and compliments work only if given sparingly. Also, they are more effective at an early stage of interaction. PYGMALION EFFECT -- People subconsciously become what we expect them to be. Assume the best qualities in those you talk to. SIMPLICITY OF PERCEPTION -- When people cannot quickly and easily understand something, they associate it with feelings of complexity and discomfort. Demonstrate straightforward and self-presentation, so that people need no extra efforts to form an impression of you. + Use simple and easy to understand language + Speak loudly enough and clearly + Create an impression of an honest person (otherwise: hidden motives, questioning trust) + Be straightforward, avoid ambiguity + Reference your individual story, so others could connect your words and actions to it, making them reasonable and logical SELF-VERIFICATION THEORY -- People want others' opinions about them to align with their own. Even the ones connected with low self-esteem, since it gives a sense of control in life. + Pay attention to how people try to present themselves, help them confirm this image + Agree with people on their qualities, strengths, and weaknesses = People strive to communicate with those who confirm their self-esteem. This influences group formation. INGROUPS AND OUTGROUPS -- People sympathize with those who, in their opinion, belong to the same group as they do. The more commonalities, the more psychological comfort. + Look for similarities + Note commonalities during introduction, e.g., physical appearance, clothing, personality traits + Ask questions that reveal shared perspectives (e.g., hobbies, work, interests) DIALOGUE -- People love talking about themselves, and we may deprive others of this opportunity. + Think about what you can learn about the other + Ask questions, help them express their thoughts + Avoid starting sentences with "me" and "I" + When sharing about yourself, tell stories instead of opinions + Be curious and develop diverse interests INTERPERSONAL INFLUENCE -- Emotions can transfer from one person to another. The likability of a person largely depends on the emotions those around experience in their presence. + Focus on the good in unfortunate situations + Turn failures into lessons and seek opportunities to learn + Bring attention to the present + Avoid indulging in intrusive, pessimistic thoughts + Be an example of calm and self-control -- uplift those around you + Behave calmly when facing challenges + Be grateful for what you have COOPERATION -- People choose friends based on the unconscious feeling that they will support them in difficult times. Built on similarities and mutual benefit. UNDERSTANDING The qualities necessary to achieve it. EMPATHY -- The ability to understand another person's feelings by putting yourself in their shoes. How do you personally, and other factors affect them? THEORY OF MIND -- An idea of another person's mind based on external observed manifestations. Always a model, a guess, simplified and subjective. Needs clarification and objectivity. Openness, absence of prejudice, and recognition of others' individuality helps. JUDGMENTS AND ASSESSMENTS -- Assumed intentions and desires of people. Those are used to predict other's behavior and decide on building relationships with the particular person. Produces stereotypes and assumptions. * Experiences are subjective * People have different beliefs * People possess different knowledge and information * People make mistakes and may adhere to misleading beliefs * People may withhold opinions and hide feelings EMOTIONAL SPECTRUM -- The ability to recognize the feelings and emotions of others depends on the skill of identifying one's own thoughts and feelings. Reference Robert Plutchik's wheel of emotions. EMOTIONAL GRANULARITY -- The ability to perceive the world in fine detail, label emotions, and find what causes them. SOCIAL MISTAKES Behavior and qualities that cause repulsion. HIDING emotions, building emotional barriers. Sincerity is associated with vulnerability. People value those who can open themselves and acknowledge own flaws. They welcome genuine you, without filters. Skills of emotional expression: * Gestures * Facial expressions * Voice intonation Excessive COURTESY -- Rejection is healthy: time is a finite and valuable resource, it is okay to want to spend it somewhere else. Find balance: * Showing kindness to yourself * Prioritizing your own needs and desires * Trying to eliminate discomfort: explain why the service is not free, even if it is = Verify: personal boundaries, sincerity of good intentions. EYE CONTACT -- Prolonged is uncomfortable; insufficient causes suspicion. Optimal duration -- 3 seconds: from 2 to 5, no more than 9. Overall percentage -- 50% when you speak, 75% when you listen. + Complement with gestures, words, and tone that reflect warmth and desire to communicate + Learn to endure pressure calmly, e.g., overcome instincts and the tendency to look away when someone is looking at you BOASTING -- Creates an image of an insecure and insincere person. DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENTS, FALSE MODESTY -- Deprive people of the reasons to be happy for you, HYPOCRISY, OVERCONFIDENCE